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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24873694">Not The Marrying Type</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cat_huple/pseuds/cat_huple'>cat_huple</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Tegan and Sara (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Reunion, quincest</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:07:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,026</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24873694</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cat_huple/pseuds/cat_huple</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sara is getting married and Tegan wonders if things are going to be okay.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sara Quin/Tegan Quin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Not The Marrying Type</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tegan readjusted the collar of her shirt for the fifth time in a row since she sat down at the table, her eyes jumping from one end of the restaurant to the other.</p>
<p>“Will you stop that?”</p>
<p>Tegan turned to her mother, a frown on her face. “Stop what?”</p>
<p>“Stop squirming around in your chair. You’re making me nervous just looking at you.”</p>
<p>Before Tegan could retort, the waitress came by setting their drinks down. Tegan smiled nervously in thanks, her fingers wrapping around the sweating glass like a lifeline. As soon as the waitress was out of sight she took a healthy drink, savoring the icy water. It was moments like these where she wished she could have a drink to calm her nerves.</p>
<p>“Do you need to go smoke?”</p>
<p>“You hate it when I smoke,” Tegan said, rolling her eyes. </p>
<p>“I was just thinking you could use a little calming down. Do you know how aggravating it is to watch you all jumpy? </p>
<p>“Sorry, I’ve been a little anxious lately.” </p>
<p>“Thinking about Sara?”</p>
<p>Tegan sighed. “We haven’t seen each other in years. It’s going to be different, everything is going to be different.” </p>
<p>“You two can be so difficult.”</p>
<p>Tegan slumped down at the table, her arms crossed over the wood despite her mother’s protests of that being ‘rude’. </p>
<p>“I guess I should say you’re the difficult one,” Her mother continued, looking over the menu. “I was mad at her too, for a very long time, but you have to find forgiveness in your heart eventually.”</p>
<p>“It’s not about forgiveness. Plus, I wasn’t the only one being ‘difficult’. When she came back into town she only called you. Not me.”</p>
<p>“You’re not going to have a mood at her place are you?”</p>
<p>“No,” Tegan groaned, digging her head into her folded arms. </p>
<p>When the waitress came back, she was forced by her mother to sit up straight so they could order. Tegan looked out the window into the city, the buildings crowding over the streets and sidewalks, the people bustling, the cars. It made her a little queasy. It had been a while since she was back in Vancouver, moving away as soon as she was able to. Her mom never left and Sara had come back. Tegan was now the outsider. </p>
<p>“So you’ve been to her house already huh?” She asked as casually as she could. </p>
<p>“A few times.” Her mother shrugged. “It really is nice, and she’s got two of the cutest cats.” She took out her phone, sliding it across the table to show Tegan a picture of two plump kitties, one grey and one spotted. Despite herself, she smiled. </p>
<p>“They are pretty cute.”</p>
<p>“Also, a beautiful backyard. We’ve been talking about putting a dining area back there so people could come over for family dinners. Wouldn’ that be nice?” </p>
<p>“Sure,” Tegan said, brushing off the question. She couldn’t even imagine what that would be like. Herself in Sara’s home, in her big backyard with her cats and…</p>
<p>“She’s getting married,” She murmured. </p>
<p>Her mother nodded. “Yes. Someday.” </p>
<p>“Is her fiance nice?”</p>
<p>“She’s wonderful. Would you like to see a picture?”</p>
<p>Before she could even think of saying no, her mother showed her the phone again, swiping through her pictures until it landed on one with Sara and her supposed fiance. Stacy or something. The name was still having trouble rooting in Tegan’s brain. </p>
<p>She barely registered the woman, instead, looking at her sister. And she knew it was her sister instantly. She still looked as she did when they were teens, just a little more mature. She barely looked thirty. Though she would get similar comments, but Sara was glowing. It had been twelve years but it was her. She still had a youthful smile on her matured face, that same jaw, same eyes, same nose. </p>
<p>Her heart was racing as she pushed the phone back to her mother. “She’s pretty,” Is all she said.</p>
<p>After lunch, they got back into Sonia’s car. Tegan knew she was being a little standoffish all afternoon, but she felt her mother might have understood, as she didn’t pry too much. </p>
<p>“You’re always welcome to stay with me,” Her mother said for the fifth time that day, and Tegan smiled, shaking her head. “I’m fine with the hotel. I need some time to just settle in by myself.”</p>
<p>“If you’re sure.”</p>
<p>Comfortable silence filled the drive, Tegan fiddling with the radio now and then with her mother humming to whatever was playing. Tegan watched the world change outside her window, from the bustling city to the quaint houses, till they arrived at her hotel. She got out, getting her lone suitcase out of the back before turning to her mother, who had gotten out of the car, hovering over her. </p>
<p>“You sure you’re going to be okay?” She asked, clearly nervous. </p>
<p>Tegan laughed. “Mom, relax I’m gonna be fine. I’m a big girl despite what you might think.”</p>
<p>“I know you’re a big girl,” Her mother chided. “Of course I do, it’s just… You’ve been distant lately and I know you’re worried about seeing Sara tomorrow.”</p>
<p>“I am worried, but I’m also really excited. You don’t have to worry.” </p>
<p>Her mother looked over her with one last searching stare before nodding to herself. “Okay,” She yielded. “Come give your mama a hug.”</p>
<p>Tegan faked exasperation as her mother pulled her in for a bear hug, squeezing her tight. Tegan fell into it, hugging her back just as hard.</p>
<p>When she walked into the hotel, she glanced back once, seeing Sonia go back to the car and drive off. She let out an unsteady breath before checking herself in. </p>
<p>The hotel room felt lifeless, and Tegan slumped on the bed, still with that anxious buzzing in her chest, like an annoying fly you couldn’t kill. Her arms were folded underneath her head as she stared up at the white ceiling. She wondered how tomorrow would go, if Sara was mad at her for not reaching out, if she was mad at Sara for the same. </p>
<p>She dug through her suitcase, finding the hardcover book and bringing it to her chest. She flipped through the pages, barely latching onto any of the words. She had read this journal back to back so many times, she almost knew every word by heart, but there was always one passage she went back to. Her eyes traced over Sara’s old handwriting, reading words over and over until she was dizzy. She had taught herself not to touch the pages anymore, as they were fading with time, so now she only looked. </p>
<p>Sara was not the seventeen-year-old that wrote in a journal anymore, not the girl Tegan knew. Tegan couldn’t say that she had changed much over the years. Maybe she had, but she wasn’t keeping track. She hoped any changes Sara noticed, were good ones. </p>
<p>Those were the thoughts that slowly wrapped around her mind until she dozed off, journal clenched in her arms, shoes and jacket still on. </p>
<p>All morning the next day, Tegan switched from walking in circles in the hotel room playing out imaginary scenarios in her head of the evening, going out on the balcony to chain smoke until she needed to go buy another pack from the convenience store nearby, and hovering over a notebook and her music app on her phone, trying to write a jingle for her current client. She had the deadline extended twice now, but it was hard to focus on writing music for a gum commercial when too many things were swimming through her head. </p>
<p>“Mint that’s sure to put the glint in your teeth….? That’s fucking stupid.” She tore out the notebook page, crumpling it in a ball and tossing it in the wastebasket.</p>
<p>She jumped when her phone buzzed, picking it up when she saw she got a text from her mom. </p>
<p>
  <em>I’m picking you up at five. Sara says she’s excited to see you! Xoxo</em>
</p>
<p>She sighed, putting the phone back down. She probably should have texted something back, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. God, she was never this nervous at social gatherings. She prided herself on being personable and friendly. She just hoped Sara wouldn’t mind her going on a couple of smoke breaks, because she could tell she was going to need them. </p>
<p>At five she was dressed and ready to go, cigarettes and lighter in one pocket of her jean jacket and phone in the other. She didn’t know how everyone else was going to dress. It was just a casual dinner, but it didn’t really matter either way, as Tegan realized she didn’t have much variety in her wardrobe anyway. Mostly just jeans and t-shirts. She threw some tennies on when her mother texted her to say she had arrived and walked out of the room. </p>
<p>The drive was excruciating. She was surprised her seatbelt wasn’t vibrating over her chest with how much her heart was beating. </p>
<p>She could tell her mother was trying to comfort her, talking about this or that, but Tegan couldn’t focus, her thoughts kept pulling her back to flashbacks of them as children, bickering or fighting or doing some other stupid shit. She tried to get her knee to stop bouncing since she knew her mother hated it when she did that but she couldn’t stop it and thankfully Sonia didn’t mention it.</p>
<p>The neighborhood they found themselves in was gorgeous. Old homes renovated, some not, sticking out with their old charm. These were houses where you started families. Tegan had never imagined Sara as the sort of person who would live in this kind of house. </p>
<p>They pulled into a driveway, and Tegan knew they were at Sara’s. The sky was a dark blue, the sun just going down, and the lights shining through the windows seeming too bright.  </p>
<p>“Come on,” Her mother urged, getting out of the car, grabbing the wine from the backseat. “You can’t stay here all night.”</p>
<p>“I could if I really wanted to.” But she got out anyway, wiping her clammy palms over her jeans. </p>
<p>Her heart rocketed out of her chest when they were at the front door and her mother rang the doorbell. She focused on her breathing, focusing on her shoes, trying to calm herself down. </p>
<p>When the door opened she held her breath, trying to seem like a normal person. A woman opened the door, long brown hair, tall, pretty. Tegan vaguely recognized her as Sara’s future wife.</p>
<p>“Oh my god!” She gushed, coming in for a hug with Sonia, then turning to Tegan as she shot her a dazzling smile. “You must be Tegan,” She said, going in for a hug. Without thinking, Tegan returned it. It was brief, but she felt a little better if not awkward. </p>
<p>“What gave it away?” Tegan joked, shoving her hands into her jeans.  </p>
<p>“Just a guess.” She waved them in, and Tegan followed her into the house. </p>
<p>It was a nice place, a nicer place than Tegan could see for herself. All the furniture was minimalist but there were art pieces and different nick-nacks that gave the house life. She constantly found herself wondering which parts of the house were Sara and which were Stacey. </p>
<p>She saw the cats, sitting on the balcony, looking lazy. She would have to remember to try and pet them later. </p>
<p>Music poured from the dining room, Tegan recognizing the song as some hit from the eighties, and it was better to focus on the music than the decor. </p>
<p>“Your house is beautiful,” Tegan said, glad she didn’t sound as shaky as she felt. </p>
<p>“Thank you,” Stacy smiled her way. She seemed nice, she could see why Sara liked her. Did Sara propose? Did Stacey? Did her mother already tell her and she just didn’t listen?</p>
<p>“Is that my daughter I see?”</p>
<p>Her mother’s voice startled her, but sure enough, there was Sara at the kitchen counter, chopping veggies. As soon as Sara spotted the group she broke out in a smile. </p>
<p>“Hi, you guys!”</p>
<p>She sounded different, more mature, traces of her teenage self hidden in her voice. Tegan didn’t think she ever heard Sara quite so lively. </p>
<p>She came out of the kitchen, an apron over her crisp dress shirt and slacks. Tegan was stunned, seeing her sister with such short hair, or compared to her long mane she had seen when they were kids. It was swooped to the side, her fringe curling, longer in the front than in the back. She looked good. Nervously she ran her hand through her own shaggy mane, wondering if she should have gotten a haircut before this. </p>
<p>She noticed that Sara was hugging their mother, a deep hug, and she watched as Sara looked at her over her shoulder, a strange expression on her face. Timid almost.</p>
<p>“Hi, Tegan.”</p>
<p>Tegan’s gut flipped flopped, and she waved at her, stilted and slow. </p>
<p>Sonia stepped back, leaving the two without any barrier, a small distance of mere feet in their way. </p>
<p>“Can I get a hug?”</p>
<p>Tegan’s arms opened up, it was almost instinct to do so. The happiness that she felt at seeing her sister after so long outweighed the nerves and she waved Sara over. “Come here,” She welcomed. </p>
<p>Before she knew it, Sara’s arms were wrapped around her, and she was hugging her sister for the first time since they were teenagers. She breathed her in, snuggling into her shoulder. She almost didn’t want to stop, but reluctantly pulled away, both of them still touching each other. </p>
<p>“It’s so good to see you,” Sara said, and she looked like she was happy to see Tegan. </p>
<p>“You too.” And she meant it. </p>
<p>“Wow,” Stacy commented, looking between the two. “You guys really are twins.” </p>
<p>“Better be careful,” Sonia said. “Or you might get your fiance mixed up.”</p>
<p>Both she and Sara rolled their eyes, softly chuckling. </p>
<p>“We brought you wine,” Sonia added, showing off the red wine. “Shall I pop this open?”</p>
<p>“Oh.” Sara faced Tegan again. “I thought…” </p>
<p>“I’m not gonna have any, but you guys enjoy it.”</p>
<p>“Do you not drink, Tegan?” Stacey asked, curious. </p>
<p>“Not really, I quit a while ago, but please, drink. I’m not like an alcoholic or anything I just stopped for random reasons.”</p>
<p>“Well if you say so.”</p>
<p>She felt that Sara was still looking at her, and realized she hadn’t let go of Sara’s waist. She pulled away in mild embarrassment, crossing her arms to stable herself. </p>
<p>“You sure it’s alright?” Sara asked, her voice soft. </p>
<p>“I’m sure.”</p>
<p>Sara tilted her head, her hands on her hips. “Has the wild Tegan been tamed?”</p>
<p>“Wild Tegan,” She snickered. “I should be asking you that. I mean, the house, the fiance, the fancy art. You’ve really settled down.”</p>
<p>Sara hummed, looking around. “You like the art?”</p>
<p>Tegan looked over Sara’s shoulder where a piece hung. It was abstract, but Tegan could admire the talent behind it, the colors. “I do. I think you have a good eye for that type of stuff.”</p>
<p>“I painted them.”</p>
<p>Tegan’s eyes widened. “All of them?”</p>
<p>“Most of them.”</p>
<p>“Wow,” Tegan breathed. “So you’re an artist?” For some reason she couldn’t imagine Sara as anything other than a musician, it being their passion so long ago. </p>
<p>“Yes. I make an okay living off of it. Stacey’s the real breadwinner here.”</p>
<p>“I’m impressed,” Tegan said. “I’d love to see more.”</p>
<p>“Maybe after dinner?”</p>
<p>A voice called out, “Honey? Can you help me with the rest of dinner?”</p>
<p>“Sure!” Sara gave one last smile before joining Stacy in the kitchen. </p>
<p>Tegan followed her mother, sitting next to her on the dining room table. </p>
<p>“This is nice right?” Her mother asked, quiet, almost conspiratory. </p>
<p>Tegan shrugged. “Yeah, this is a nice house.”</p>
<p>“I mean, seeing Sara again.”</p>
<p>Tegan blushed, watching her sister work in the kitchen. It was strange seeing her after so long. She should have followed her urges and stalked her on Facebook, that way she wouldn’t have been so thrown off by everything. </p>
<p>“Here you go.”</p>
<p>Tegan looked up to see Stacey setting down a glass of some sparking substance. </p>
<p>“It’s cider. Non-alcoholic.” </p>
<p>“Thanks,” Tegan said, grateful, taking a drink. “It’s really good.”</p>
<p>Later they were joined at the table, Sara sitting across from her, plates in food in front of them. Stacy was a good host, attentive, and able to wring conversation out of Tegan despite her nerves. </p>
<p>“So Tegan, what do you do?”</p>
<p>“Ah.” She took another drink of the cider before saying, “It’s actually kind of embarrassing. I’m a freelance songwriter, but mainly I work on jingles for random companies.” </p>
<p>“Ohh, that sounds fun,” Stacy comments, looking at Sara. “Did you know about that?”</p>
<p>“Sort of,” Sara shrugged. </p>
<p>“I sent her every song you wrote,” Sonia said nonchalantly. </p>
<p>Tegan gawked at her mother before looking back at Sara. “You heard them?”</p>
<p>Now Sara looked shy, slowly chewing on her steak before speaking up. “Well, yeah. I asked mom what you did and she sent me that one song. The one about the pet store.”</p>
<p>“Oh, so the most embarrassing one.”</p>
<p>“No, it was so cute! And I loved it so much that I asked mom to keep sending over what you did.” She slumped a little in her seat. “Sorry, should I have not done that?”</p>
<p>“No,” Tegan was quick to comfort her sister. “It’s just that, compared to your art I kind of pale in comparison.” </p>
<p>“That’s no way true.”</p>
<p>Tegan didn’t know what to say to that, she felt the atmosphere turn tense, and played with her fork. Luckily Stacy spoke up. “Can we hear one?”</p>
<p>“Uh, go ahead. I’m sure mom would be happy to show you.” She teased. </p>
<p>They all laughed at her reluctance, and Sonia looked through her phone before setting it down, music coming to life as the jingle Tegan did for a local restaurant floated around the table. Something about their sandwiches being so good you won't ever want to leave. She groaned as the women praised her.</p>
<p>“That was so cute,” Stacy commented. “You don’t have to be embarrassed about that.”</p>
<p>“I guess not. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like real music.”</p>
<p>“Well, why don’t you write what you want?”</p>
<p>Tegan looked to her sister again. She didn’t know how to answer her. She wanted to say that she was afraid to, that she didn’t think she could write music without Sara, but how could she? “You’re right. Maybe I should try that.” She didn’t mean for it to sound so clipped, so harsh and she cringed as once again she ruined the good mood. </p>
<p>She looked down at her empty plate. “Dinner was good Stacy. Do you guys mind if I step outside for some fresh air?”</p>
<p>“Go ahead.” </p>
<p>Tegan smiled gratefully before walking out their glass door to the backyard, avoiding everyone’s stares. She walked away from the door to hide in the shadows under a large tree, watching the backyard with some interest, seeing how there were so many plants, different arrangements of all sorts of stuff, the patio chairs where Sara probably had friends over during summer nights.</p>
<p>“Going out for a smoke?”</p>
<p>Tegan startled, turning around to the familiar voice. She relaxed when she saw it was Sara, and of course, she knew it was Sara, her voice ringing in her head like a familiar song, but it was still relaxing to see her. </p>
<p>“Guilty,” Tegan said, her hands shoved in her pockets, grabbing hold of the package of cigarettes like a life rope.</p>
<p>“Yaknow,” Sara started, smiling slyly. “Out of all the things mom told me about you, I have to say, I never took you for a smoker.”</p>
<p>“It’s funny, I never thought of you as the marrying type.”</p>
<p>Sara’s smile dimmed, her brows furrowing as she hugged her arms close to herself. Tegan felt as if she shouldn’t have said that. </p>
<p>The string lights in the backyard painted a lazy glow over them, and Tegan admired how pretty Sara looked, looking out into her backyard, the lights shining above her during the night. Tegan’s heart was somersaulting thinking of how adult she seemed. </p>
<p>“Well, you don’t really know me, do you?”</p>
<p>There it is. That little tension hanging over their heads. Tegan bit her lip, feeling all the things she wanted to say in her throat. <em>Well, whose fault is that? </em>Or <em>Show me, please.</em></p>
<p>“I guess not.” </p>
<p>Sara turned to her then, a sorrowful look in her eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like-“</p>
<p>“I know,” Tegan reassured. “It’s true though. I guess I only know you from when we were kids.” She sighed, feeling the need for a cigarette. “Things change.”</p>
<p>Sara smiled, her eyes were still shining. “Mom told me a lot about you,” she said. “About your music and stuff.” She giggled and it made Tegan smile. “She would send pictures. Like when you had that droopy eye.”</p>
<p>“Oh no,” Tegan groaned, hiding her face in her hand. “Not that. I can’t even imagine what other embarrassing things you’ve seen.”</p>
<p>“Any photo she had of you, I got to see. It’s like I got to see you grow up.” She covered her mouth in a sudden act of self-consciousness. “Oh. Sorry, if that sounds creepy.”</p>
<p>“No, don’t worry. It’s sweet.”</p>
<p>Sara sent her a grateful smile and they shared a moment of just living in each other's company. Tegan could still hear the music from inside, hear her mom and Stacey talking and laughing. Tegan watched the light wind play with Sara’s hair, her short strands moving about. She fought the urge to comb her fingers through it.</p>
<p>Tegan studied Sara’s wistful look. There was still something surrounding them, pushing at them.</p>
<p>She cleared her throat, taking a step back. “Um, I…”</p>
<p>Sara looked at her, quietly anticipating.</p>
<p>“I read your journal. The one in your drawer.”</p>
<p>Sara took a breath, her knuckles going white from holding them in fists. “Yeah,” she murmured, avoiding Tegan's eyes. “I figured.”</p>
<p>“I… maybe I shouldn’t have read it, but you just left and I was confused and angry and just wanted answers.”</p>
<p>“Tegan it’s okay. You have nothing to be sorry for.” </p>
<p>Tegan waited. She had so much she needed to get out so much to ask. She felt like she was about to burst.</p>
<p>“The things you must think of me…” Sara’s voice broke her, she didn’t want her to sound so sad. </p>
<p>“Is that why you left? Because of me?”</p>
<p>“Not because of you, because of me,” Sara chuckled, her body deflated. “Truthfully, I wanted you to find it. I was a coward and it was just so much easier than saying it out loud.”</p>
<p>“Well, it wasn’t for me,” Tegan choked, surprising Sara.</p>
<p>“I-I know. Believe me Tegan, that’s in the past. I don’t feel like that anymore.”</p>
<p>Why did those words make her feel so hollow? </p>
<p>“No. Not that. Not that you had those sorts of feelings but that you just fucking got up and left me with nothing but that journal. I wish you would have just talked to me.”</p>
<p>“What would that do? Really, what would that do? Make you hate me?”</p>
<p>“And just leaving wouldn’t?”</p>
<p>Everything became still. </p>
<p>“So is that? You hate me?” Sara smiled, the corners of her mouth twitching, her eyes shining. </p>
<p>“No,” She quickly objected. “No, Of course not.” </p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Sara barely whispered. “I am. But, I had to leave. I had to work myself out, and it felt impossible to do in that house. I mean, you read the journal, you know what mom used to be like back then. Do you know how hard it was to leave her and Bruce? To leave you? It tore me apart, it still tears me apart. I felt like nothing but a blemish on our family.”</p>
<p>Shit. Tegan didn’t want to cry, she didn’t even know the reason why she would. She bit her trembling lip and with shaky hands pulled out her pack. </p>
<p>“Do you mind?” She asked, her voice more controlled than she felt.</p>
<p>“Go ahead,” Sara answered softly, watching Tegan flick the lighter, bring the cigarette to her lips. </p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Tegan said around the smoke. “I don’t want to argue about this stuff.” She let out a self-pitying laugh. “I mean, all we used to do is argue. I don’t want that.”</p>
<p>“We probably should have talked a lot sooner,” Sara said, taking some cautious steps towards her sister. “I admit that. But, like I said. I’m a coward.” And then, “But, I wanted to see you, I wanted you to be here.”</p>
<p>Tegan nodded. </p>
<p>“Well, I’m here.” </p>
<p>She smiled, timidly before her hand smoothed over the sleeve of Tegan’s denim jacket, a reassuring little touch.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” She breathed. “You are.”</p>
<p>When they went back inside they found their mother and Stacy at the table, a bottle of wine between them, giggling over what looked like photographs. </p>
<p>“What are you two doing?” Sara asked, and Tegan realized with a jolt that she had wrapped her arm in Tegan’s. Smoothly and without fuss like she was barely thinking about it. </p>
<p>“You’re mother was showing me some fascinating pictures,” Stacy said, a tipsy grin on her face. She showed off the photo in her hand of the sisters, young and chubby-cheeked, long hair, and baggy clothes, arms around each other's shoulders, awkward smiles lighting up their faces. </p>
<p>“No,” Tegan groaned, “You brought photos?”</p>
<p>“Of course I did.”</p>
<p>Sara unwrapped her arm from Tegan’s, approaching the table. “Wow,” She marveled. “I haven’t seen these in a long time.” </p>
<p>Tegan joined her, already missing the warmth her sister provided. She looked down at the photos with embarrassment as the three women gushed over the twins in their hay day. </p>
<p>“You guys rocked the big chains huh?” Stacy teased, making her fiance blush. </p>
<p>“Oh,” Sonia exclaimed, digging into her purse, pulling out a single glossy photo. “I have this too, I found it while going through storage.”</p>
<p>Tegan recognized exactly what it was.</p>
<p>“Here.” Sonia handed Sara the picture, small wrinkles and tears kissing its edges showing it’s years of affection and care. “Take a look.”</p>
<p>Sara gratefully accepted the picture, and held it in her hands with the tenderness of holding a wounded bird, her eyes shining with what Tegan hoped were tears of happiness, but they still twisted her about. Sara smiled down at the picture before her teary eyes met Tegan’s.</p>
<p>It was them huddled together, just tiny things embracing in their mother’s womb. </p>
<p>“It’s our ultrasound,” Sara said in awe. “Look Tegan,” She murmured, showing it off. “It’s us.” </p>
<p>“Yeah,” she breathed. </p>
<p>There was a heavy silence between everyone. Even Sonia and Stacy who were gushing over the photos just seconds ago were quiet as they watched the twins. Sonia broke it. “I’ll post it on Facebook so you can look at it whenever you want,” She said, and Sara smiled gratefully before her eyes met Tegan’s again. Even as she handed their mother the photo back she was looking at her, and Tegan didn’t have it in her to smile. She couldn’t do anything but feet lost.  </p>
<p>“I… think I need some more fresh air.”</p>
<p>Without looking at anyone, ignoring the confused murmurs, she walked away, straight to the front door, and quickly made her way down the street, her hands shoved in her pocket and her heart beating in her temples. </p>
<p>Why had that been the thing to have done it? She felt she and Sara were coming to a better understanding and yet she had to walk out. She couldn’t take it. Take Sara’s normal life, her unwavering love for Tegan after all these years. Sara had shown up with a beautiful fiance, beautiful home, beautiful life, and Tegan was just supposed to drop into it? </p>
<p>She didn't know why she was doing this. She thought this was the reason that she didn't drink anymore. Because she shoved away any consequences facing her, because she couldn’t stop ruining relationships, couldn’t stop being so fucking clingy.</p>
<p>She kept walking, her thoughts scattered until she found she had walked out of the neighborhood. She looked ahead to the scattered stores, the park in the distance, the city in the background, always there, always looking down on her.  </p>
<p>She didn’t know why, but she wandered into a nearby bar. The smoking wasn’t cutting it, and she had already embarrassed herself plenty, who cared if she had a couple of drinks.</p>
<p>The bar was bustling, but it felt far away. Even the actual bar, where she sat, was crowded with people, all of them talking pleasantly with each other. She couldn’t remember a time when she felt so disconnected from everyone. She felt like she was sitting at the bottom of a pool, everyone’s voices slowly sinking to the bottom. </p>
<p>She had asked for a beer, thinking it would be safer than something stronger. She bitterly thought back to her days of partying, getting drunk and going home with random girls, waking up and not even remembering what they did the night before. She remembered breaking out the tequila anytime Sara so much as crossed her mind. </p>
<p>Sara knew so much about her and Tegan knew very little. She felt small being in that house. She wondered if maybe she should just forget about Sara, leave her in the past and move on with her life. She didn’t know what would be harder, leaving Sara forever or trying to fit into her new life. Both seemed miserable. </p>
<p>She slipped slowly, already regretting the drink. It was warm and not satisfying at all, and when she drank another she felt as if she might get sick. It was like some form of self-punishment. </p>
<p>She left, walking outside to where downtown was humming quietly and sat against the wall near the entrance. Another cigarette, another flicker of the lighter. To think she used to keep track of how much she smoked every day. </p>
<p>“I didn’t think you would be here.”</p>
<p>Tegan turned to the voice, like metal to a magnet. She smiled at Sara, shrugging as she blew smoke out into the starry sky. </p>
<p>“Well, you don't know much about me do you?” She parroted from earlier. </p>
<p>Sara joined her, leaning against the wall, holding her jacket close to her body. “I guess not if this evening is anything to go by.” </p>
<p>Tegan felt a simmering shame, an embarrassment. She felt like a child who had run away from home only for her mother to find her a couple of blocks over. </p>
<p>“Why did you leave?” Sara asked. </p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Tegan muttered. “I guess I was feeling overwhelmed. That’s just how I am nowadays.” </p>
<p>Sara frowned, leaning closer. “Have you been drinking?” </p>
<p>She refused to look at Sara, instead, focusing on the ash that was falling to the concrete. Eventually, she said, “It’s not a big deal. Just a couple.”</p>
<p>“I thought you stopped.”</p>
<p>“Me too.” Then in the tense silence, she said. “I thought I was ready for this, to see you again, but so much has changed. You’ve just been living your life and I’m still... lost.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Sara said. “This is all my fault.”</p>
<p>“It’s not your fault. I’m glad you have the life you’ve made for yourself. I’m just trying to figure out how I’m supposed to…” She drifted off.</p>
<p>“Supposed to what?” Sara asked meekly. </p>
<p>There was that feeling again, the fluttering in her chest, the pit in her stomach. Tegan didn’t know if she wanted to be closer to Sara or push her away. </p>
<p><em>“</em>I’m figuring out how I’m supposed to get over you.” </p>
<p>Stunned, Sara stood with her mouth hanging open, and Tegan wanted to take it back, swallow the words back and hide them behind her teeth but it was too late. Sara’s throat worked, her jaw clenching, looking like she was going to cry again.</p>
<p>“You can’t just say that,” She whispered, her voice scratchy. “You can’t just say that when I-m-”</p>
<p>“When was I supposed to say it?” Tegan demanded. “When? You were gone, you didn’t even talk to me. I got nothing, not a letter, not even a fucking postcard. So you can leave me and have me deal with your feelings? How fucking selfish is that?”</p>
<p>Her arms wrapped around herself. Tegan thought it was the end of the conversation, because no matter how angry or frustrated she was, she couldn’t stand to see Sara cry, couldn’t stand that she had added this weight on her shoulders so soon before they even got to know each other at all. </p>
<p>“How long?” She asked. </p>
<p>“How long?”</p>
<p>“How long have you felt this way?”</p>
<p>Tegan sighed. “Ever since I can remember.”</p>
<p>“It- it wasn’t because of me right?”</p>
<p>“It was before you even left. Before I read the journal.”</p>
<p>Tegan could tell she wasn’t expecting that, from how shocked she looked. “I had to leave.” Her voice was coming out in desperate quavers, and it felt like she was trying to convince herself of that. “There's no way we could have let that happen. No way that we could have worked.”</p>
<p>“I thought it was enough just to be together.” </p>
<p>“Well, it wasn’t for me.”</p>
<p>“Is it still not enough? To simply be with me?”</p>
<p>“Tegan, why are you asking me this?”</p>
<p>“Fuck I don't know.” Her voice cracked. “I missed you.”</p>
<p>Sara looked guilty for a second. Tegan just thought she looked so pretty. She was glowing with that post-cry shine.</p>
<p>“I missed you,” She repeated. “I missed you so much I could barely stand it. And even now. I just got you back and you’re leaving me again. Marrying some woman I’ve never met. It hurts to know you just got to get over me and I’m still living in the past. It hurts.”</p>
<p>She looked like she didn’t know what to do, looking just as lost as Tegan.</p>
<p>“I think- maybe we should get you to bed.”</p>
<p>Sara took out her phone but Tegan stopped her, taking hold of her wrist and throwing her a pleading look. “Don’t call anybody. Please.”</p>
<p>“I’m just gonna get a taxi.”</p>
<p>Tegan relaxed, her hold on Sara softening but not letting go. </p>
<p>They waited there, Tegan smoking, her body close to Sara’s. No words shared between them until the taxi arrived. Sara helped Tegan in and then got in next to her.</p>
<p>“You’re coming?”</p>
<p>“I have to make sure you get home safe,” Sara said. </p>
<p>The drive was like a dream. Tegan wasn’t drunk, though it had been a while since she had drunk and the two beers she had were swimming around in her head, crashing against her thoughts like gentle waves. She would catch Sara’s reflection in the mirror, and try to figure out what she was thinking but she was stone-faced, passive.</p>
<p>When they got to the hotel, Sara paid the driver, and both left the car, Tegan leading Sara into the building. </p>
<p>They walked into the hotel room, Tegan turning on the light. Sara frowned at the suitcase and its contents which were spilled messily over the floor. She bent down, picking things up like a chiding mother. </p>
<p>“You don’t have to do that.”</p>
<p>“Trust me, I want to.” She sounded more light-hearted, and Tegan wondered if they were going to talk more seriously. </p>
<p>Sara stopped, her hand freezing as she bent down to pick something up. Tegan’s heart almost stopped when she saw it was the journal. Sara picked it up, holding it uncertainly, but Tegan could tell she knew what it was. </p>
<p>“You still have this?” She asked. </p>
<p>Tegan swept away at her sweaty brow, her fingers digging into her hair. She didn’t know how her sister would think of her, knowing that she had kept it after all these years, had brought it with her. </p>
<p>“But why?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” She laughed. It came out stilted and strange. “It’s all I had.”</p>
<p>Sara held the book close to her chest, hugging it tight to her like she was afraid it would escape. “You should get rid of it,” She said.</p>
<p>“I don’t think I can,” Tegan confessed.</p>
<p>“Get rid of it.” Sara’s scratchy voice startled her and she tried to face her, but she was looking down, away from her. Tegan bent down close wanting to protect her but being too afraid to touch.</p>
<p>“Please, get rid of it. You have me now.”</p>
<p>Tegan’s gut flipped as she laughed a little. “Do I?” She was regretting everything she was saying tonight. </p>
<p>Glassy eyed, lips and cheeks pink, she turned to face Tegan. Tegan didn’t think she'd ever seen Sara cry this much, not even when they were kids. She guessed she was the one always crying. </p>
<p>“Of course you do.”</p>
<p>“You have a life that’s just so far away from me. The house, the wife. Who knows, maybe you’ll have kids someday. There won’t be any room for me.”</p>
<p>“There will always be room for you.”</p>
<p>“Oh yeah? I won’t cramp your style?”</p>
<p>Sara laughed broken and wet. “Of course not. Stacey loves you, I can already tell. Our house will be open to you always, and,” She thought about it smiling wide. “If we do have kids, you're gonna be the best aunt ever.”</p>
<p>Aunt. what a concept. She couldn’t imagine such a thing. But still, she said, “You better believe it.” </p>
<p>“I’ll need you around. You’re gonna need to babysit for us. House sit, feed the kitties.”</p>
<p>“Be careful, I’ll be a fun aunt. They might like me better.”</p>
<p>“We’ll just have to see won’t we?”</p>
<p>They looked into each other's eyes, just a split second of being comfortable with each other, but Sara looked away again, both their gazes turning to the journal in her arms. </p>
<p>“How could you keep such a thing?” Then a deep sigh. “I don’t like this side of me.”</p>
<p>“You loved me.”</p>
<p>Just the very idea of the journal, the fact that Tegan had read it, was clearly weighing down on her sister. Tegan didn’t know why she wanted to talk about it so badly, didn’t want to just leave it as words that used to haunt her past. And because she couldn’t stand her Sara's stunned silence, she asked something else she shouldn’t have.</p>
<p>“What changed?”</p>
<p>Tegan wouldn’t blame Sara if she just walked out of the room and were to never speak to her again, and she looked ready to. She thought it was all over before Sara took the journal, looking down at the worn cover, and flipped it open. </p>
<p>Tegan’s heart was still as she watched her flip page over page, her fingers resting over some, tracing the ink. </p>
<p>“I had to stop,” She said finally. </p>
<p>“You had to?”</p>
<p>“What else was I supposed to do?”</p>
<p>Her eyes fell to the journal, her hands shaking. “You wrote in here,” She said.</p>
<p>“Oh,” Tegan looked where she had flipped to. “Yeah, sometimes I write lyrics in there. You uh, left a lot of empty pages.”</p>
<p>“These aren’t jingles,” She murmured humorously. </p>
<p>Tegan blushed, wishing she could snatch the book from her, guessing it was only fair. “Yeah, I write songs sometimes. Just for me.” </p>
<p>“May I read one?”</p>
<p>“Have at it.”</p>
<p>“These are good,” She says after a minute of quiet. “You’re a real sensitive soul aren’t you?” </p>
<p>“More like an overdramatic soul,” she snarked. </p>
<p>Sara closed the journal before setting it back in the suitcase. </p>
<p>“You don’t care that I have it?” Tegan asked.</p>
<p>“I guess it’s not fair for me to demand you get rid of it. After all, I gave it to you.” She stopped speaking with a genuine smile. Tegan almost couldn’t stand it. </p>
<p>Tegan walked away, slumping down onto her bed, looking down at her sneakered feet on the carpet, dirty sneakers over the soft white of the floor. </p>
<p>“Tegan?” Sara asked cautiously. </p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Tegan said, her voice twisted up. She snatched her cigarettes and lighter out of her pocket, lighting up in a place where she was not supposed to. “I’m sorry,” She repeated, her words floating out with the smoke. </p>
<p>“What’s wrong?” Sara asked, crawling the short distance to Tegan, putting a comforting hand on her knee.</p>
<p>“I’m fucked up.” Tegan laughed. ”After all this time, all I want to do is kiss you.”</p>
<p>Sara was still, very still. Her hand held onto Tegan's knee tightly. </p>
<p>“You must think I’m the worst,” Tegan murmured, the room much too quiet. </p>
<p>She watched as Sara fell more into her lap, her arms wrapping around her waist as her head nestled into her stomach. Not knowing what else to do, Tegan ran her fingers through Sara’s hair, patting her head.</p>
<p>“You’re not the worst,” came Sara’s muffled voice.</p>
<p>And before Tegan could think of something to say, maybe comforting or lighthearted or anything that could soothe over the tension, Sara was taking her face into her hands, bringing her down, and kissing her.</p>
<p>It was so abrupt, that Tegan fell effortlessly into it, her lips parting and accepting her sister. She hardly registered that this was a kiss, a real kiss, a kiss with passion.</p>
<p>Sara pulled away, Tegan missing her right away. There was a moment where she thought things were going to collapse, where the room would fall apart and Sara was going to leave, but her sister’s gentle laugh grounded her. </p>
<p>“You smell like cigarettes,” She whispered in the crook of Tegan’s neck. </p>
<p>“Sorry.”</p>
<p>“Anytime I smell smoke again I’m going to think of you.”</p>
<p>“Well, at least you’ll be thinking of me.”</p>
<p>“I never stopped.” Sara faced her again, the most sincere expression painted over her face. “Sometimes you’re all I think about.”</p>
<p>Tegan didn’t know what to say, instead, she brought Sara to her again, kissing her. These were her teenage daydreams, her shameful fantasies, and the fact that Sara was allowing her to do something like this, to kiss her made her feel like this was okay after all. </p>
<p>Sara’s lips were plush, warm, and sent electricity down Tegan’s neck. When a shy tongue probed at her mouth she moaned. </p>
<p>“I shouldn’t have kissed you,” Sara said when they parted, though she didn’t sound too ashamed.</p>
<p>“I’m glad you did,” Tegan said, fear and excitement buzzing through her body. She didn’t want Sara to go but she was afraid of what would happen if she stayed.</p>
<p>And she’s being kissed again and it’s fucked up but it’s Sara and she loves Sara, has been longing for her all her life and this is everything she can hope for. She clumsily puts out her cigarette, leaning the two of them far enough that she can snub it out on the ashtray she kept by the bed.</p>
<p>She holds onto Sara’s shirt, grabs it, and pulls her closer, keeps pulling until the woman is on her lap straddling her. When she pulls away, she can hear Sara groan in disappointment, her own hands exploring what she can of Tegan, her shoulders, her arms, her neck, and jaw, it’s all being traced by Sara. </p>
<p>“This is okay right?” Tegan asks. “Just this once?”</p>
<p>Sara looks conflicted, making Tegan wish she never asked, but her worries are soothed when Sara gives in, an encouraging hand stroking her cheek.</p>
<p>“Just this once,” she says.</p>
<p>It gives Tegan permission to kiss Sara once more. On her lips, her jaw, her neck until she reaches the collar of her button-up. She’s not the most graceful person but unbuttoning her sister's shirt feels unreasonably hard like her fingers are working against her. Sara helps and undoes the last few, tossing off her shirt to reveal a light blue bra. It’s plain but it’s Sara’s body, and it holds her breasts perfectly. Tegan is staring. She’s never seen Sara like this before. She has imagined it, but Sara is mature now, older and her body, while it is slim and her skin is smooth and porcelain white, her curves show her age. Tegan finds things that the shirt had hidden, like how plump her hips are, the slope of her breasts, bigger than she thought, and the lightest stretch marks kissing her. </p>
<p>“God you’re beautiful,” she murmurs and she can tell Sara is a little self-conscious in the way she holds herself. She didn’t want to drag this out, she hoped by going fast and mindless, she wouldn’t have time to think of what a bad idea this is. But she can’t help to stop and comfort her little sister.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Sara replied, an embarrassed grin on her face.</p>
<p>She undoes Sara’s bra and watches her breasts bounce once they’re free. Without the bra they’re less perky, but they still are gorgeous against her body. She kisses them too, letting her tongue linger over her pink nipples, flushing when she feels Sara squirm, when she breathes out in shaky arousal.</p>
<p>Before Tegan can unbutton Sara’s pants, two nervous hands grab her. “You too,” She says.</p>
<p>So they help each other out of their clothes, Tegan’s jacket falling to the floor, her t-shirt, and jeans along with Sara’s. They fall into bed in a tangle of limbs. Sara feels weaker in her arms than when they were teens. Pushy teens who threw punches recklessly. She remembered their fights more than she remembered anything else. The feeling of Sara forcing her body down with her own, her hormones messing with her mind, her body. </p>
<p>Because she was afraid to be rough with Sara, because she wanted to make up for all the times they hurt each other, Sara was able to overpower her, rolling on top of Tegan, a desperate expression painted over her face. </p>
<p>Her eyes roamed over her sister’s body, and Tegan closed her eyes, feeling just as self-conscious as Sara had. Her tense body melted with each touch of patient hands as they played with her breasts, her thighs, her firm stomach. </p>
<p>“You’re just as beautiful,” She complimented. </p>
<p>Tegan still couldn’t open her eyes, too focused on the feeling of being touched. “Thank you,” She breathed out, a clumsy smile on her face. </p>
<p>There was barely any warning before she felt a nimble finger enter her, pushing through her wetness. Sara moaned before Tegan could, but both groaned when Sara added another finger, eagerly stroking in and out.  </p>
<p>It had been a long time since Tegan was fucked like this, with someone who made her feel like she was being consumed. Her moans were shaky and broken, and she hid her face in the crook of Sara’s neck, feeling her cries of passion vibrate against hot skin. </p>
<p>“Tegan,” Sara moaned. “You’re so wet. So wet for me. You feel amazing.”</p>
<p>With every stroke, Tegan throbbed. Sara’s hands were small, her fingers thin and nimble, but she felt so full, her walls being stretched and stroked just right. And Sara was right, she was wet, she could hear how wet she was. </p>
<p>“Fuck,” She murmured into Sara. </p>
<p>“Are you going to come?” Sara’s voice was delicate beneath her rough breathing, almost like she was talking to a cornered animal. Maybe Tegan was a cornered animal, she certainly felt hopeless enough. </p>
<p>“Huh?” She asked when Tegan didn’t say anything. Just the simple sound of her voice so close to her ear made Tegan shake. </p>
<p>“Yes,” She gasped, bringing Sara’s body closer. The jerking of her hips was uncontrollable as Sara doubled down, thrusting her fingers even faster, building Tegan up more and more. </p>
<p>“F-Fuck!” </p>
<p>Her peak came, fire in her stomach, the ache between her legs like lava as spikes of pleasure crashed against her. Her body bent, her hips lifting off the mattress, her back digging into the sheets as she let Sara take her to her breaking point as little spurts of light flashed behind her closed eyes.</p>
<p>The fingers in her stilled, Sara subtly scissoring them as she felt the sticky wetness. “All done?” She asked, and Tegan loved her voice. </p>
<p>She breathed out, becoming relaxed, nodding. She opened her eyes to face Sara, the lamp casting warm hues over her features, her doe eyes shining. Tegan pulled her in for a sloppy thankful kiss. “So good,” She whispered between their kisses. “I love your fingers.” </p>
<p>Sara laughed trembling, her face flushed and strands of her hair sticking to her temples. Tegan brushed them away, staring at Sara with such tenderness. She thought she would feel dirty after doing something like this, instead, she wanted Sara even more, adored her even more. </p>
<p>Gently, she pushed Sara to her side, so she could be on top. She crawled over her body, feeling like a predator over its prey with the way Sara looked at her. So flushed, breathing hard with her earlier efforts, her mouth parted, showing off her plush kissable lips. </p>
<p>As both stared, Sara brought her hand up to her face, sticky with strings of Tegan’s arousal hanging off her fingers. Looking Tegan in the eye, she suckled on the fingers she had used to fuck her, closing her eyes in delight. </p>
<p>Tegan whimpered, not feeling all too confident in her upper body strength as she watched her sister do something so dirty. </p>
<p>But that arousing sight did give her an idea. She crawled down Sara’s body, kissing her way over her breasts, her belly, to her hips. Sara shuddered with each of Tegan’s sweet kisses, her hips jumping so much that Tegan had to hold her down. Her lips were mouthing at Sara’s lush thighs, licking the salty skin, feeling it flush, softly nipping at them. She could hear Sara’s cries, smell how wet she was.</p>
<p>She caressed her way from her tense stomach to the place between her thighs, already feeling the heat there. “I wanna eat you out,” Tegan said, looking up, her chin rested over the soft hair that covered Sara’s mound. </p>
<p>“Please,” Sara gasped, urging her to do so by shaking her hips. </p>
<p>With no hesitation Tegan delved her tongue into Sara’s opening, her lips smoothing over Sara’s. Sara was wet, she wondered if she had been this wet. Her pink cunt was shiny with her juices and she took time tracing the most intimate part of her sister's body with her tongue. Lapping at the warm folds, flicking her aroused clit with the tip of her tongue, even entering her warm opening, prodding at her hole, moaning when she felt Sara get wetter as she sucked on her. She felt drunk, hazy. One of Sara’s legs wrapped around her back, her foot sliding over her shoulders, pushing her closer into her. </p>
<p>“Tegan,” Sara practically sobbed. “It feels so good, so fucking good, just please…”</p>
<p>Tegan could have teased Sara all night just to watch her squirm. She loved how physical she was, how she wrapped around Tegan, how her hips stuttered in ecstasy, how pretty she looked with her mouth parted, gasping and moaning for more. But she also wanted to please Sara, to make her feel good. </p>
<p>She took Sara’s throbbing clit in her mouth, sucking as she entered her with two fingers, setting a fast rhythm as it was now her goal to get Sara to come. Her fingers buried themself into Sara’s heat, the sound of her hand slapping against her, and the sloppy way her cunt cried out filled the room. Tegan wondered if she was ever going to be able to have proper sex again. This smell, these sounds, they would always be associated with Sara. She wondered if she would be able to listen to another girl moan and not miss Sara.</p>
<p>She could tell she was getting close, with how hard her calf dug into her shoulders, how she clenched the sheets into her hands, how her mouth hung open, barely anything coherent dribbling out. </p>
<p>“Yes,” She moaned. “Yes yes yes.”</p>
<p>Tegan fucked her harder, knowing Sara could take it, her fingers curling and her arm getting tired. She tongued Sara’s tender clit, lapping at it until the body underneath her froze, lifting even more into her mouth. </p>
<p>Sara didn’t cry out, only muttered under her breath, groaning quietly as her body violently shook as Tegan tasted the fruit of her efforts as Sara came into her mouth. </p>
<p>“Fuck,” She breathed out, relaxing against the bed. Tegan licked her lips, climbing back up so she could lay with Sara. They faced each other, Tegan licking the slick off her fingers making Sara giggle in her breathless voice.</p>
<p>They wrapped their arms around each other, pulling a sheet over their bodies. There was a comfortable silence where they were just letting their hearts beat against one another before Sara broke the quiet. </p>
<p>“You must go down on a lot of girls huh?”</p>
<p>Tegan sputtered. “Wha- No, not really, I-”</p>
<p>“I’m just fucking with you,” She laughed, hugging Tegan even closer. She sighed, hiding her face in Tegan’s shoulder. “I don’t care how big of a slut you are.” Tegan rolled her eyes but couldn’t bring herself to say anything when she heard how content her sister sounded, instead, she wrapped her arms more securely around her, her hands tracing the smooth skin and sharp ridges of her back.</p>
<p>Sara hummed before asking, “Remember when we used to sleep together as kids? Just stay up all night talking until we fell asleep?” </p>
<p>“Yeah.” Tegan melted into the memories, into Sara. </p>
<p>“That was nice.”</p>
<p>“We can still do that.”</p>
<p>“You’re not tired?”</p>
<p>“Not yet.”</p>
<p>So Sara talked. Talked about her garden, all her plants, about her love for art and her paintings. And Tegan listened, asking questions, trying to fill in the blanks of what she didn’t know of Sara’s life. She talked too, about her job, of how fun it was but sometimes a pain in the ass, of her cozy apartment back in Calgary, what the neighborhood was like. She talked until her words slurred with exhaustion and before she knew it, she was sleeping, her arms wrapped around Sara the whole time. </p>
<p>When she woke up it was light outside, but she could tell it was early as hell.</p>
<p>She was no longer on her side, her limbs wrapped around her sister. She was lying on her front, her head comfortably nestled in her folded arms. There was a moment where she thought maybe last night was a dream, but she turned to the sound of her door opening, Sara stepping inside, stopping when she saw Tegan.</p>
<p>“You’re awake,” She said, closing the door. She had her phone in her hand. </p>
<p>Tegan breathed out. Sara looked freshly showered, a towel wrapped around her shoulders, and sure enough, she could still see the steam and smell the fresh shampoo wafting from the opened bathroom door. </p>
<p>“You leaving?” She asked, trying to sound stronger than she felt.</p>
<p>Sara smiled sadly, coming to sit on the edge of the bed, looking back at Tegan. “I had to call Stacey and let her know I didn’t get abducted or something and had to tell mom you got home safely. You might want to text her.” </p>
<p>Tegan reached to the nightstand, looking at her phone, and sure enough, she had a dozen missed calls from her mom. </p>
<p>“I think I should leave. Let you get all packed up and stuff for your trip home.”</p>
<p>“That’s probably a good idea.”</p>
<p>“I texted you.” Sara’s voice was meek. “So you could have my number.”</p>
<p>“Thanks.”</p>
<p>Sara got up, walking slowly to the door. Tegan didn’t know what to say. Goodbye? This wasn’t supposed to be goodbye.</p>
<p>“Am I still allowed to be the best aunt ever?” </p>
<p>Sara turned around, smiled, her arms around her like she was about to fall apart. “Of course. Always.”</p>
<p>Tegan watched as Sara walked back to her, cautiously with her lips tight and brows furrowed. Tegan wanted to smooth over her worried features. See her smile again. </p>
<p>Her heart stilled when Sara leaned over her, an unsteady hand cradling her face. She leaned into Sara’s touch, closing her eyes when she was brought in for a kiss. Slow, dizzying, sensual as Sara’s tongue played with her bottom lip. And then she was gone, and Tegan was watching her walk away. </p>
<p>“See ya.” Sara looked back at her, one more close-lipped smile, her hand on the door’s handle. “Have a safe trip. Don’t forget to call.”</p>
<p>“I won’t.”</p>
<p>The door opened, Sara disappeared, and Tegan fell back into the bed listening to her sister’s footsteps fade away.</p>
<p>Later that day, Tegan felt as if her soul had left her body as she went through the motions of packing the little she had. When her mother picked her up she got an earful about how she shouldn’t just ditch dinners and not call her own mother, but Tegan took it mostly in stride.</p>
<p>“Did you have a good trip?”</p>
<p>Tegan looked to her mother who was driving. The trip to the airport was muted, as she felt she was drifting in a dream. She shrugged, thinking about it for a moment. </p>
<p>“I guess so.”</p>
<p>“It was nice catching up with your sister again right?” </p>
<p>“Well, I don’t regret seeing her or anything.”</p>
<p>“Oh, why are you so sullen? Dinner was good, despite your little stunt. She said you guys made up.”</p>
<p>“I guess I’m just gonna miss her.”</p>
<p>“You know she would be happy to have you over again. Maybe you should think about moving down here.”</p>
<p>“I’ll think about it, but you have to know I can’t just up and leave.”</p>
<p>Sonia hummed at that, and the drive was more or less quiet. </p>
<p>When she was home back in Calgary she sighed in relief. She missed her apartment despite her short absence. She made sure to water her plants, to unpack her suitcase, putting everything away neatly before she forgot. The last thing she had to put away was Sara’s journal. She held it in her hands, feeling the rough cover. She didn’t know what to do with it, she had read it so many times and Sara had given her permission to keep it but the things written in it were too painful. Sara’s alienation, her rebellious teenage thoughts, her tormenting desire for her very own twin. Tegan didn’t know if she could read it again, not after that trip. </p>
<p>She found a box lying around, filled with old recording equipment and random odds and ends. There, she shoved the journal, hiding it under all the junk before taping the box up and hiding it in her closet. It wasn’t going to be easy to forget, in fact, Tegan had a feeling she was going to be haunted by that journal, but for now it was secure. </p>
<p>She didn’t know what she felt. Empty and full at the same time. She sighed. One long heavy sigh, and pulled out her phone. </p>
<p>After the ringing stopped, she heard Sara’s voice. It sounded different over the phone, shyer. “Tegan?” It asked. </p>
<p>“Hey.”</p>
<p>“So you made it home.”</p>
<p>“Thankfully.”</p>
<p>“How was your flight?”</p>
<p>“I slept like a baby the whole time.”</p>
<p>“That’s good.” Sara sounded, more than anything, normal. Like this was the most casual conversation in the world. </p>
<p>“So,” Tegan started, trying to keep her voice light. “Are you going to start sending me Christmas cards and all that?” </p>
<p>Sara’s laugh drifted over the line and Tegan wanted to record it, listen to it forever. </p>
<p>“You bet,” She said. </p>
<p>“I better go,” Tegan murmured. “I just wanted to let you know I got home okay.”</p>
<p>“Okay.” If Tegan didn’t know better, she would have thought Sara sounded disappointed but she shrugged it off. </p>
<p>“I’m sending you a friend invite on Facebook. You better accept it.”</p>
<p>“I will,” Tegan chuckled. “Promise.”</p>
<p>“I miss you already.”</p>
<p>Tegan paused, her grip on her phone tightening. “I miss you too.”</p>
<p>They hung up. Tegan falling onto her mattress, exhaustion weighing down her body. She thought that maybe, she would be alright. That things were going to be okay. </p>
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